Changing Shades - 14

Chapter 14

Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she sank down on the sofa and buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs, sobs she tried to restrain. 

Arnav looked at her helplessly, afraid to touch her, to comfort her as he longed to do. He could see her sorrow, her tension, and he kicked himself mentally again, that he hadn't seen it earlier. He had driven her to this, he told himself savagely, self-loathing and disgust clouding his eyes. Then he shook himself. Time enough to feel guilty later. Right now, Khushi needed him. And this time, he wouldn't let her down.

He sat tentatively next to her, his hand reaching for her, but holding back from touching her.

“Khushi,” he said, softly. “Khushi, please don't cry. We'll work it out. I'm here now. Let me help you, please. We'll work things out, I promise.”

She looked at him, her face tear-stained and this time he couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms, and sent up a soft heartfelt prayer of thanks when she went into them like a lost child, and finally let herself sob freely.

Khushi lost sense of time, of place. She was tired, exhausted, spent, and the arms holding her were warm and gentle yet firm. She let herself melt into them, and the tears came thick and fast ... tears she had been holding back for so long. And she cried. She sobbed for all her hopes and dreams, for the lost years, the nightmarish years, for the man she had loved and lost, the boy she had known for so many years, the waste of a young life, the tragedy of two people in love, and the little baby who would never know her father.

At last she was spent, her tears exhausted. She quietened, and then became aware that he was still holding her. Gratefully, she allowed herself the comfort of staying in his arms, of feeling herself wrapped in a cocoon of comfort and warmth. Even after so many years, even after the bitterness and agony of the last four months, being in his arms felt like … being at home, finally being where she belonged. For so long, she had had to be the sole support, the backbone, the dependable one – even the luxury of tears had been denied her. To have Arnav to lean on, to cry to, had been a dream for so many years – and she’d kept telling herself it was just that – a dream, a hope that had never quite died, however much she had tried to tell herself it was impossible, a fantasy. The last four months had almost – but not quite – banished that last hope too. But now … he was here, holding her, his touch gentle, his arms a refuge, his breath warming her skin and her heart – and that small flame of hope flickered into life again.

He held her, not too tightly, his cheek against her temple and she felt his lips touch her hair in the softest of kisses. She bit her lip, moving back slightly from him, and he looked at her gently, his eyes soft. His hands came up to her face, his thumbs wiping away her tears. She lowered her gaze. She should pull back, she knew. She had no right … and she was still technically married … but oh, she needed this. She needed Arnav so much, needed to be held by him, to be told that he was there for her, that he would put things right, make everything all right again.

His thumbs moved from her cheeks to her lips … his fingers trembling slightly, he traced her lips gently as though he couldn’t help himself. He put a finger under her chin, lifting her face to look at him.

“I’m here,” he repeated softly. “I promise you.”

She looked at him, lost in his eyes. He gazed back at her, and then, as though he couldn’t help himself, his head lowered … she closed her own eyes … 

And then she came back to her senses and snapped them open. He stopped … waiting … and how she wished … she wished ...

It seemed to her that she had been waiting since eternity to see that expression on his face, in his eyes.

But there was still Manish … and that whole mess to be cleared up …

Khushi's eyes fell and she moved back slowly out of the comfort of his arms. Arnav let her go without protest, but he was looking at her steadily, and she couldn't meet his gaze. 

“I'm sorry,” she said, quietly, looking away. “I shouldn't have done that. You’d better go now. It's late and tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

He nodded, and got up. He seemed to hesitate, then he turned away, and spoke with difficulty.

“You seem to have forgiven him very quickly, Khushi.  Can’t you do the same…”

“I can forgive him for not loving me, because I never loved him back,” interrupted Khushi, evenly. “And the rest ... what he did ... he didn't let me down because I never expected better from him. He wasn't in his right mind. I can forgive him for that. He didn't set out to hurt me knowingly. It was the drugs. He didn't set out to make my life miserable for some petty revenge.”

Her eyes were hard, her meaning clear. 

Arnav's expression changed, hardened.

“Good night, Khushi,” he said, quietly. “I'll see you in the morning.”

He left the room without another word.

Khushi looked after him with a stricken face. 

“Why?” she whispered to herself. “Why did I say that? I can forgive Mansih for not loving me ... but I will never forgive Manish for taking Arnav away from me. And whether Arnav loves me or not, it doesn't really matter. It never did. I love him. I always will.”

She sank onto the pillows, huddled up into a little bundle, and waited, dry-eyed for sleep to come, her mind churning. How ironic, she thought. For so long, she had imagined this moment, meeting Manish again, with Arnav at her side, so that Arnav would realize what had really happened. Always, in her imagination, Arnav had turned to her, remorse-stricken, and begged for her forgiveness, and she had melted into his arms, while Manish faded, unnoticed, unexplained, into the distance.

Now her imaginings had become reality. She had found Manish, and Arnav was at her side when she did. But the situation had only become more complicated. She was the one who found it difficult to forgive, and Arnav had actually not yet asked for her forgiveness. And to top it all, she had promised to take care of a little life, when her own was in such turmoil!

“What will I do?” she thought to herself, forlornly. “What do I do?”

The dark room seemed to echo her thoughts back at her. What was she going to do?

Her last thoughts as she fell asleep were, had she driven Arnav away from her once and for all?

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