Sunday 22 March 2015

Changing Shades - 21

Chapter 21



Arnav seemed to have taken over her life, Khushi thought dazedly over the next few weeks. 

Every day he picked her up, they went to office, the day spent in working, discussing … laughing, joking, teasing each other like old times - then they would have dinner together and he dropped her back. Within a few days, her life seemed to be revolving around him - she waited for him in the morning, they were constantly together, working, talking, arguing, Lavanya joining in at times, and then he took over her evenings. If they finished work early, he would suggest a movie or a play, or just a walk on the beach. When she wanted to visit the Dewans and Pratibha, he came with her and sat talking with them easily in their small living room, or played with the baby. After so many years of ever-present tension and worry, she felt free, unbound, unfettered, she laughed easily and the shadows under her eyes started slowly disappearing. 

He didn’t say anything about what he had said in Kathmandu, and Khushi was glad for that. She was enjoying the uncomplicated friendship, enjoying being with him, and she didn’t want to change that. It was too soon after Manish’s passing, and she was still trying to get used to the changed equations with the Dewans. With Pratibha ensconced there and unofficially acknowledged as their daughter-in-law, her erstwhile in-laws still treated her like their own, but not like a daughter-n-law, instead they treated her like the daughter she had been for so many years, and especially since the last four years. It was Khushi they turned to, for help in any decisions they needed to make, Khushi who took charge of their finances, their budgeting, their doctor visits. They waited for her weekend visits even more than before, now that Mr. Dewan was on the mend. But did they think of her still as a daughter-in-law and therefore a widow, with all the restrictions that meant? Khushi didn’t know. And she wasn’t ready to find out.

Arnav didn’t know, either, and he was as keen as she was, not to rock the boat. After so long, he and Khushi were back on even grounds, back to their old friendship, and he was content to enjoy the time, and let her set the pace. He came with her to visit the Dewans and saw the easy comfort between the older couple and Khushi, and started see more and more clearly, how close their bond was. He saw how dependent the Dewans were on Khushi, and he knew she felt herself responsible for them completely. Khushi would put them and their needs ahead of her own, he saw that. It was the kind of person she was. And he loved her even more for that. But that did mean that he couldn’t move forward as quickly as he wanted to. He wanted her to meet his grandfather, his only surviving family, but he didn’t want to rush Khushi into anything. She wasn’t ready for more pressure yet. There were things he needed to do first.

****

Three months later, Khushi was surprised to receive a phone call from Mr. Suri.  

“How are you all doing?” the old man asked her warmly, after the initial pleasantries. “You … Lavanya … Suresh …? Have you all settled with Mr. Raizada? Are you comfortable working with him?”

Khushi smiled into the phone. If Mr. Suri had called three months earlier, she would have been hard pressed to answer this question. But now, her voice was warm as she answered in the affirmative.

“I thought I would give him at least six months to settle in,” the older man explained to Khushi, “so I didn’t speak to you about this earlier. I have another offer for the firm, so I have to make a decision soon. But as I said earlier, I need to know if you are happy with Arnav and his style of working.”

Khushi reassured him again, and Mr. Suri seemed satisfied. 

A week later, Arnav came into the office late. He put down a thick file in front of Khushi. She looked up in surprise. His face was serious.

“Go through this, will you, Khushi?” he asked her. “We need to be in court tomorrow morning to sign the registration.”

She looked at him puzzled, and opened the file, while he lounged casually at his desk and watched her.

Khushi went through the papers quickly, and then looked at him in disbelief.

“This says … this says … but you were going to buy over the firm completely, weren’t you, Arnav? What happened?”

“Does this meet with your approval?” he asked her.

She shook her head in bafflement.

“Arnav … what is this? I can’t … I don’t have the money to buy my share … any share …”

“You don’t have to buy it,” he told her, his face closed, almost expressionless. “This is Mr. Suri’s deal with me. You are now part owner of the firm. He has sold me 50% ownership rights. The other 50% is yours.”

She looked at him warily. His earlier words, spoken in bitterness, when they had first met after so many years, came back to haunt her. ‘How do you manage to wind all these old men around your little finger, Khushi?”

Did he still, somewhere in a corner of his mind, think that way? Why oh why?! She mentally chastised Mr. Suri in her mind. Just when she felt she had got back her old equation with Arnav, this had to come up.

“I don’t want it,” she said evenly, not looking at him. “I’m an employee. I work here, I’ll continue working here when you take over. If that’s all right with you, of course,’ she added.

“Ah … but it’s not,” he said easily, and came over to her desk, loping like a tiger on the prowl, she thought fancifully. “Not all right with me, I mean. Neither with me, nor with Mr. Suri.”

She looked at him warily. He didn’t sound angry … but then …

“Why?”

He parked himself easily on the corner of her desk, and looked at her. And this time there was a definite smile in his eyes.

“Khushi, there are two parts to this. One is that from the beginning, Mr. Suri was very clear that whosoever takes over Suri Constructions, has to have your approval. Because he had never intended to sell out his full rights. He always meant to leave you a share. And if you’re happy working with me, then he’s happy to sign the deal with me.  Otherwise I’m out on my ear. And the second part, is what I told Mr. Suri … and he agreed with me when I pointed it out … that making me take over as head, and you as my junior, was not quite fair. We were college mates, same batch … so there is no way that I am senior to you, or you to me. If we work here, we have to work as equals. By giving you 50%, we become equal partners. Both issues resolved.”

Khushi tried to process his words. Fifty percent of the firm … partnership …

The firm made a healthy profit, this would ease her burden of looking after the Dewans considerably. In fact, it would leave her very comfortably off. Her responsibilities would be taken care of, even if she didn’t work again … and if she continued working, she would be very comfortable indeed.

“And … you don’t mind?” she asked cautiously. “You don’t think I … what was it … wound him around my finger …”

“Khushi, please!” Arnav interrupted, his eyes hot. “Don’t make me feel worse about those days than I do already. No, I don’t. I never did. The day we started talking about the deal, he told me how grateful he was to you for carrying his work forward. If it hadn’t been for you, he would have given up the firm a long while ago. That was my ego and my hurt speaking … you know that.”

He got up and looked out of the window, looking out blindly.

“You know, Khushi, I asked him … why you? Why not the Dewans? After all, Dewan uncle is his college friend, not you … And you know what he said?”

He turned back to her, and his eyes were suspiciously shiny.

“He said … Khushi will look after them. She is the daughter they never had.”

Khushi swallowed.

“And if I need any evidence of what he meant,” he went on, his eyes hot and intent on her, “I’ve got it in the last few months, seeing you with Uncle, Aunty, Pratibha, the baby. . You give your all for those you love, don’t you, Khushi? Your heart is so big, Khushi … poori duniya usme samaa sakti hai. I know why Mr. Suri wants to make sure you’re secure. Because left to yourself, you will give away the clothes off your back for those you love.”

He put out a hand and touched her cheek gently. ‘For those you love.’ How he wanted to be included among that number. But first … he had to set Khushi free. And hope that she came back to him of her own accord.

If you love someone, set her free.
If she comes back to you, she is yours.
If she doesn’t, she never was.

She looked back at him, lost in the intensity of his gaze. Molten brown eyes stared into hazel green ones.

“I’m fine,” she whispered. She didn’t really know what she was saying, what she was answering to.

“And you will always be fine,” he murmured back. “That’s all that this means, Khushi.”

She nodded. His hand was still on her cheek, gentle, caressing, and it felt like her skin was on fire. She swallowed, her mouth feeling dry suddenly. He was close, very close … she could see the dark pupils dilating as his breath quickened, as he leaned closer … her breath quickened in tandem with his, and she put out her tongue to lick lips suddenly gone dry … and swallowed again when his gaze dropped to her tongue.

His cell phone beeped shrilly and they both jerked back to reality. Too soon, too soon, her mind screamed, but her heart seemed to have a mind of its own …

The registration process was started the very next day, and a few weeks later, with the firm registered in both names, the last of Khushi’s worries seemed to drop away from her shoulders.

*****

The day after the registration was complete, Mrs. Dewan called Khushi at the office.

“Has Arnav found somewhere for you to stay?” she asked and Khushi stared guiltily at the phone. She hadn’t even asked him … she had been too caught up in enjoying … life … she realized slowly. She had been enjoying her life … after many years, had been happy, content, able to push all her problems to the back of her mind and just revel in the sensation of being cared for, looked after, feeling secure for the first time in many years … feeling happy.

And Arnav did a lot of pampering. He made her feel warm, cherished, they talked all the time as they had always done, and she was slowly opening up to him like a flower to the sun. But he didn’t say anything like what he had said back in the hotel room in Kathmandu, made no attempt to get closer, and a part of her didn’t want him too – not yet. She was content to live in the present, not to have to worry about the bills, the medical fees … and to simply enjoy life, for the first time in many years.

One day at a time, she told herself, and Arnav seemed to feel the same.

But now her mother-in-law was pushing her.

“I’ll ask him,” she promised Mrs. Dewan, and was about to put down the phone, when a voice spoke behind her.

“Ask me what?” he asked, and as she looked around, startled, he took the phone from her and took over the conversation, chatting lightly, easily with Mrs. Dewan.

“Yes, I’ve found her a place,” he said casually, as Khushi stared at him in surprise. “But it’s not ready yet. Will take a little while. I’ll show it to you if you like. Whenever you want.”

He signed off and looked at her quizzically. She frowned at him.

“You never told me,” she said. “And what about showing it to me?”

He shrugged casually, but there was a glint in his eye. “I was going to,” he murmured, “but Aunty has to approve also, doesn’t she? There are a couple of places, actually – you have the final choice. We’ll go tomorrow.”

Khushi bit her lip and didn’t say anything. There was a slightly hollow feeling inside her, and she tried to ignore it. So Arnav had taken her words to heart, she thought … and realized how badly she had been waiting for him to say something … something very different.

Arnav watched her face as she looked blankly at the papers on her desk. He could read that face perfectly … he knew exactly what she was thinking, and he inwardly blessed Lavanya a hundred times. But now, he thought, as he looked at the play of emotions across her face, now, no more. No more waiting, no more games. He ran an impatient hand through his hair. He couldn’t wait any more. He wanted her … needed her – back in his arms, back in his life – forever.

Mrs. Dewan arrived the next afternoon and Arnav ushered her and Khushi into the car, his heart beating a little faster than normal. He took them first to a small block of flats very close to office, the apartments were new and very well finished, the security was good and there was a direct bus to office, although, he added quickly, Khushi could get a car of her own. Mrs. Dewan looked approving, Khushi was non-committal.

Arnav cleared his throat a little nervously.

“There’s another place,” he said. “it’s further away, but it’s bigger … shall we take a look?”

They agreed and he drove them to another building, a smaller one. Mrs. Dewan looked at it in surprise.

“This looks like a private house, Arnav,” she said. “Are there apartments inside?”

He swallowed and shook his head as he ushered them out of the car and to the front door. He pulled out a bunch of keys and opened the door, as both Khushi and Mrs. Dewan stared at him.

“This is where I live,” he said and Mrs. Dewan looked startled, then pleased.

“You live here? Then are there other apartments here too? Arnav, that would be perfect! I’d be so relieved that Khushi is with …”

“No, no other apartments,” he interrupted, his mouth dry, not looking at Khushi. “It’s my own house. I live here.”

 Mrs. Dewan was looking around approvingly at the furnishings, but at his words she stopped and turned quickly to look at him. As he held her look, his meaning sank slowly in. She looked at Khushi, who, after a first stunned glance, was looking anywhere but at Arnav – and caught the sheen of tears in her eyes. Arnav looked steadily at the two women. Mrs. Dewan drew in a deep breath, as comprehension came slowly. She paused, seemed to be searching for words.

“It’s Khushi’s choice,” she said finally, quietly, and put an arm around the younger girl. Khushi looked at her desperately, a sob in her breath.

“Mummy … I … Manish …”

“Manish is gone, beta,” said Mrs. Dewan gently. “And you have a life to live. A long life, God willing … And I want that life to be happy. God knows you deserve all the happiness in the world.”

She turned to Arnav.

“It’s Khushi’s choice,” she repeated, more firmly. “We … her baba and I … are there for her always. Nothing would make us happier to see her in her own house, with someone she loves, someone who will take care of her. That’s the wish of every parent. But it’s her choice. We just want her to be happy.”

She turned to Khushi again and kissed her gently on her forehead.

“We just want you to be happy,” she said again, smiling lovingly at the younger girl, and Khushi smiled waveringly back. Mrs. Dewan turned to Arnav.

“Arnav, will you take me back home, beta?” she asked. “I think you both need some time together.”

Arnav nodded, and she smiled at him and raised her hand to his head in silent blessing.

He had never driven so fast in his life. He dropped Mrs. Dewan back home, that lady wisely maintaining her silence, and then rushed back home.

She had left. Soon after he had, his servant told him.

Arnav stared nonplussed for a minute, then took off again, his heart racing.

He broke into the office and Lavanya looked up startled.

“You … here? I thought you’d be with Khushi …”

“Did she come here?” he asked harshly. Lavanya nodded, still looking surprised.

“Yes, she came … but she went off again … she said she needed to talk to you alone. Arnav, what happened? Did you show her …”

 “Did she say where she would be?” he interrupted, his face showing his worry. She looked at him, a little puzzled.

“She said you know where to find her … revisiting the past, she said.”

He looked at her, and his brow cleared.

Friday 13 March 2015

Changing Shades - 20

Chapter 20

Arnav spent a sleepless night that night. 

After the dinner at the Dewans’ house, he spent a long time thinking. Lavanya’s words about Khushi echoed in his ears.

“She’s had a tough few years. Very tough.”

“She had to be the strong one. She didn’t have anyone to lean on.”

She’s never had someone to love her, to show her that he loves her …someone looking out for her, being protective, caring … girls want that, you know. The feeling of being the most important person in a man’s life, someone he will love, always be there for.”

He remembered how before asking Pratibha to come back with them, Mrs. Dewan had turned to Khushi.

“Khushi bitiya, will we manage?”

And Khushi’s calm reassurance.

“Yes, Ma. We’ll manage.”

Khushi turning on him bitterly in the hotel room in Kathmandu.

“You didn’t love me, Arnav. Neither of you loved me. You only wanted to possess me. For both of you, it was a matter of ego.”

“True love … they are both dying, and their only thought is for each other. That’s what I want …. And this time I won’t settle for anything less. It hurts too much.”

He wanted Khushi. He loved her. He wanted her back in his life. He had wanted her, from the day he walked into Mr. Suri’s office and saw her smiling and laughing with Lavanya. He had been furious that she could smile and laugh without a care in the world, that she had moved on and made a new life for herself, while he had never been able to forget her. But that didn’t stop him from wanting her. And now she was free.

But what did Khushi want?

“She’s never had someone to love her, to show her that he loves her. Someone to look out for her. Someone being protective … caring …”

He remembered the way Khushi had collapsed into his arms in the hotel room, and cried her heart out. But the moment she realised what she was doing, she had withdrawn. And she had stayed withdrawn ever since. Cool … calm … polite … but withdrawn. And once Mrs. Dewan arrived in Kathmandu, Khushi’s entire focus had been on her mother-in-law and looking after her.

She had agreed to come back to the office. But Arnav knew it was because of her in-laws and Pratibha, and the medical costs. Still … she had agreed.

“She’s had to be the strong one, it would be great if she had someone to lean on, someone to take care of her.”

By morning, Arnav knew what he was going to do.  

****   

Arnav was at work very early the next morning. He wanted to be there before Khushi arrived.

She came in nervously – Lavanya was still not there. Today she wore a pale lemon yellow saree, with small silver teardrops in her ears. To Arnav’s eyes, she looked stunning, ethereal. She smiled hesitantly at him in greeting and he escorted her to her desk and sat down close to her.

“You’re looking beautiful,” he said softly and she swallowed and looked down.

“Thank you,” she muttered.

“Thank you,” he returned, and when she looked up startled, he smiled.

“Thank you for coming back,” he said softly, and she flushed slightly.

“I’ve come back to work,” she reminded him, when he continued looking at her and made no move to leave. “Arnav? Can we start?”

He looked at her a moment more and then sighed. “Ok, work then. Let’s get that out of the way.”

He looked among the pile on his desk and picked out some papers. “These plans you were working on the other day …” he began, smiling down at her. “Remember, Khushi? On karva chauth?”

She looked at him, surprised.

“You … knew? That it was … karva chauth?”

“I guessed,” he said, still smiling. “You had fasted that day, hadn’t you? No wonder you lost your cool with me. You were hungry. You always did get bad-tempered when you got hungry!”

A small smile tugged at her lips. He shifted closer still.

“See, Khushi? I remember everything about you. Good … and bad.”

He was so close that she couldn’t focus on his face. His lips were very close to hers again and she stared at them in fascination, her own parting almost involuntarily.


Then Lavanya slammed in the front door, her footsteps noisy in the quiet office and Khushi started back. Lavanya came into Arnav’s office, saw them sitting together and gave a gasp.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she blabbered, backing away outside. “I didn’t know … Khushi!!! You’re back!!!”

She came back in again at a run, and Khushi stood, smiling to greet the other girl as she enveloped her in a hug. Lavanya held her close for a minute, and when she separated from Khushi, her eyes were damp.

“I’m so … sooo glad you’re back – this place has been awful without you,” she said happily, then faltered. “Khushi, you are back, aren’t you? You will stay?”

“Yes, I will,” Khushi assured her, stealing a quick look at Arnav. He was looking at her, a twisted smile on his face, a smile meant for her alone, and her heart gave a funny little jump inside her chest.

“Yes, she will,” said Arnav, even more firmly, and then he mock-glared at Lavanya. “As for you … you’re late …”

“Oh?” asked Lavanya saucily. “I kind of got the feeling I was a bit early …” She grinned as Khushi flushed red, and Arnav gave an outright chuckle.

“Your timing needs some attention,” he agreed as he ushered her firmly out. “No problem … we’ll fix it. I owe you,” he added in a lower tone and she smiled cheekily at him.

“I won’t say ‘I told you so’,” she said, equally softly, “but now … go for it, Arnav.”

“What are you both whispering about?” asked Khushi curiously, and Arnav shut the door firmly in Lavanya’s grinning face.

“Nothing,” he said, loudly, “Work stuff … Khushi, we need to get some work done …”

“I know,” she said, still a little puzzled. “I’m waiting …”  

They got to work after that, and Khushi discovered anew what it was like to be with an Arnav who wasn’t filled with bitterness and hate, an Arnav who, as they discussed the plans, laughed and joked frequently, teased her gently … it was like the old days again, and now Khushi wondered how could she ever have been so blind as to not have realized what she felt for him so many years ago. Every time he looked at her, she felt warm all over, every time he smiled, she felt giddy, when he praised her, she felt a rush of pleasure completely out of proportion to his words, when they agreed on the final plans together, she felt exhilarated. She didn’t even realize when Lavanya left for the day, so lost was she in her thoughts, her dreams as she looked again and again at him as they worked.

 Finally they wound up and he stretched tiredly.

“God, I’m tired,” he said, then grinned at her. “All your fault.”

“Why?!” she retorted, smiling slightly at his teasing, feeling so relaxed that it was hard to believe the last few months had been so different.  “What did I do?”

“Perfectionist that you are … you want everything done to the final T … and now I can’t act the tyrant and leave you alone to do everything like I did earlier,” he mocked. “otherwise Dewan aunty will be after me with a broomstick. Come.”

She picked up her bag and jacket. He held the door for her and she looked at him questioningly.

“I’ll drop you back to the hostel,” he said. “It’s late. Will you get dinner there?”

She shook her head without thinking.

“I won’t get anything there at this time,” she said. “The mess will be shut by now.”

His face closed again, the smile disappearing.

“So what do you normally do if you get late?” he asked her abruptly, and Khushi realised why he was asking. He was remembering all the times he had made her stay late without reason. She looked at him, her eyes clear.

“I sometimes cook myself noodles, or … if I’m too tired, I don’t bother to eat,” she said casually, trying to play it down. She was past prevaricating.

He gave a small expletive.

“God, Khushi … you …”

He turned and looked away, his throat working, and Khushi melted.

“Arnav?” she said softly. “Arnav, it’s okay … I keep some bread and milk in my room. Don’t worry.”

She wasn’t being strictly truthful, but she could see that he was hurting, and she found she couldn’t take that. He turned back to her and tried to smile, but she could see the effort it took.

“In other words, you have a feast,” he scoffed. “But do you mind if I take you out somewhere for a meal? I don’t have noodles or bread at home tonight.”

She smiled back.

“Fine, if you insist,” she teased. “I’ll pass up my amazing instant noodles just for you.”

He grinned, more naturally this time.

“Thank you,” he said in a low voice, and she shook her head at him.

He took her for dinner to a small but very snazzy Italian restaurant, where the tables were set into cosy, intimate nooks and two musicians played instruments and sang softly as they circled the restaurant floor. The lights were dim, just enough for Khushi to look at Arnav as often as she wanted, without him noticing … and without her realizing that he was gazing at her equally often. Afterwards, they walked to a small gelato place and he bought ice-creams, and they walked along the seafront, licking their cones, the wind blowing in their faces and whipping Khushi’s hair across her face. She exclaimed as it came in her eyes, and Arnav stopped and gently turned her to face him. He put up a hand and smoothed the silky strands away from her face, his hand lingering on her skin as she stared at him. For a long moment, he stared back – then he gave a small smile, and turned her back to continue their walk.  

He dropped her back to her hostel very late and stood for a moment, looking at the grimy building with scowling eyes.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning,” was all he said, though, and she looked as puzzled as she felt.

“I can manage,” she began, and he cut across her words.

“I know you can. I’ll pick you up. 9 o’clock fine?”

She nodded, smiling a little, and he gave her a grin and a mock-salute, before driving off, a small smile playing on his lips.